Ben McSpadden: We’ve been in this series, From True to Real, and we’ve been looking at how some of our strongly held beliefs are not just true in conceptual form but really do hit home with us in the everyday stuff of life. We’ve been looking at what we call the Heart Attitudes, and the way we’ve defined it for this series is that a heart attitude is a mental or emotional preset that we use to approach people and situations that we deal with in life. We’ve identified seven Heart Attitudes or summary statements that communicate concepts and values that we find in Scripture, which are really crucial to having a healthy community of relationships that we can carry with us into the future and over the years.
So, today’s Heart Attitude that we’re going to talk about and look at is clearing up relationships. In our current context of Covid, this is one that really hits home, whether we are aware of it or not. You read the headlines. You see the things. You probably just aren't’ used to being cooped up and isolated or working from home, and the kids are at home. Your spouse is at home. You’re not used to being around people that much in close, confined quarters. It’s in those moments that we spend a lot of time with the people closest to us that we really offend, and it can really come very easily. So, we want to look at this today, because this is crucial as we carry our friendships into the future.
The Heart Attitudes are interrelated, and they build upon one another. That first Heart Attitude that we looked at in this series was “Put the goals and interests of others above your own.” This is foundational for the rest that follow. It’s a summary statement of what it means to love one another. It’s so foundational that we want a community that’s loving one another as God directs us through His Word, the Bible. The second attitude that we looked at was “Live an honest, open life.” We’re a people not only loving one another, but we’re loving one another in light of what is true and right.
Truth and love are very important to God, and they’re not mutually exclusive. But, they’re very much interrelated, and they interact with each other. We don’t always get it right, and we all mess up in these areas of loving one another and living in light of Truth. We miss the mark, and that’s what the Bible calls… When the Bible talks about sin, it means we’re missing the mark. We all sin in different ways and in different moments, and we sin against one another and against God. We get off track, but as Christ-followers, this is where the third attitude that we looked at just before this one in the series, which is “Give and receive Scriptural correction.”
God’s Word is our guidepost when things go sideways for us, when they go sideways for us relationally. When we miss the mark when relating, we need to give and receive Scriptural correction. We have this sort of compass, God’s Word, that guides us and directs us in these situations when it comes to what is true and right. To be both loving and “truthing” in community, God helps to guide us through His Word. But when correction does come, it can sting, even if it’s done gently. It means that someone has gotten off track, and now, it’s being brought to their attention, whether it’s the Holy Spirit or it’s a fellow brother or sister in Christ. It’s still… Your attention is being brought to the fact that you’ve missed the mark, and that can sting.
It stings because it means you are off track, and now you’re needing to get back into what is true and right. This course correction, when it’s offered outside the individual… They are not self-aware, but it’s been brought to their attention somehow. That can really create some relational friction, so this can cause relationships to want to draw back and not want to move forward. That’s where today, what we’re looking at with clearing up relationships, with this Heart Attitude kicks in. It reminds us that in relating we need to keep relating and building into the future. We need a mechanism to do that because offenses happen. We do sin against one another. Things get snarled, and we need a way that we can move forward.
It’s normal for us to have offenses and sin against one another, especially to those we’re closest to. What’s not normal is clearing it up. Our response to this normal thing that we all experience when we step on each other’s toes—we need to have a response. We need to remember that when an offense happens, changing our response can actually change our relationships. The Bible says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” So when offense occurs, if we’re not careful, we can move from a fist bump… A soft answer turns away wrath; “Hey, we’ve got this. We’re good.” But, we can quickly be harsh when we’re offended. When that fist bump turns into a fist fight, it ups the ante, and now we’re really into a bad way with our relationships. And, they’re very unclear at that point. God actually desires something different for us in our relationships.
We broke what God made when we sinned. This happened with the first man and woman and continues with you and me and when we rebel against Him and when we offend one another. Yet, God has been crafting a solution to restore our relationships, both with Him and with each other. So in like manner, God desires us to reflect His restoration in our relationships. But not everybody is ready; not everybody is ready to be a part of that restorative process. Jesus begins His ministry on earth, and He’s proclaiming the Good News that we can be made right with God and that God is making a way for us to be restored. But, He teaches that there’s going to be offenses and how we are to respond to it.
We find in the book of Matthew, chapter five, that He’s beginning what’s known as, “The Sermon on the Mount.” In verse 11, it says, “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven. For so they persecuted the prophets who were before you…” We are to rejoice when people do us wrong as we stand for what’s right. That’s foundational for us to understand as we relate to other people. Because when they offend us when we’re trying to do the right thing, it’s crucial that we look to God and we rejoice. Jesus goes on a little bit later and says, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the law or the prophets. I’ve not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.” Jesus is proclaiming love, but He’s not throwing out the truth that was previously proclaimed and revealed to people. He was actually fulfill it.
He’s coming to bring restoration, to share God’s love, but not to violate God’s law or His truth in the process. So, He begins to peel back the layers and really get at the heart of the issue. He gets past just the stated laws, and He says what’s behind them in our hearts and what we’re to do with that. So, He goes on, and He says, “You’ve heard it said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be liable to judgment.’” That was a law that was clearly stated, but now He begins to peel back the layers. He says, “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother will be liable to judgment. Whoever insults his brother will be liable to the council, and whoever says, ‘You fool!,” will be liable to the hell of fire.” So, anger that He’s getting at is the root of murder. He doesn’t even want us to have anger in our hearts towards our brother. He doesn’t want us to despise our brother. This is not a good thing. We are in danger of the fire of hell with this.
He doesn’t just give this Scriptural correction and leave it there. He actually offers a path of reconciliation and instructs the one, who may have stepped outside of bounds in the relationship, and He gives them a way to initiate restoration. Here’s what He said. This is a key verse for this attitude. It’s Matthew 5:23-24, and it says this: “So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” If you’re the offender, you need to initiate reconciliation. Jesus goes on to say that this is important because He says you need to come to terms quickly with your accuser “while you’re going with him to court, lest he turns you over to the judge,” turns you over to the guard and are then put in prison. You’ll be there until you pay every last penny. He’s saying if you don’t deal with this, things could get a lot worse. You should restore things right away, lest there be greater consequences.
So at the same time, He’s giving the one, who’s caused the offense and done the sinning, a vehicle of how to begin to make things right. He tells them to go and restore that. At the same time, if you’ve been the one that’s been offended, you know that there is something that you can do, as well. it’s not just up to the one who’s broken the law or crossed the line, but those of us who have been sinned against also must do something. This is what it says in the Bible a little bit later in the book of Romans. It says, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never adventure yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord. To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by doing so you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”
That’s really, quite the challenge to overcome evil with good when you have been wronged. When you have been burned in relationships, you really have that strong desire to want to burn the bridge in that relationship. This next image that we have really captures what you and I might be feeling in those moments. It’s the great adventurer, Indiana Jones, and he’s running from the bad guys. He’s trying to get something back to a village, and he’s the hero in this story. He’s doing the right thing, but he’s in a really hard place. He’s about to do something drastic. He’s about to take the sword that’s in his hand, and he’s going to cut down that bridge. If you look on his face, it’s probably a look that you’ve seen before.
It’s a look that has maybe been on your spouse’s face when you said something that was over the line, and you really offended them. Or, it might have been the look on your parents’ face when you talked back to them, or on your kid’s face when they talked back to you and you said something harsh. You can see this emotion in his face. Or, it could be from team members that you’re a part of. Maybe you did something; maybe you mocked them, and they just have this look, like, “I can’t believe you did that.” It may be the look on your face when someone has offended you, but either way, there is this situation. In moments like that, we are ready to cut the bridge, to hack at it. We want to dismantle any connections between ourselves and anyone offending us.
In the process when we do that, we hurt other people, and we can also hurt ourselves. If you’ve seen the movie, the bridge comes down. He gets pretty beat up. He’s the hero, and it’s a movie. He survives, and a lot of the bad guys die. Great movie, but in real life if you cut the bridge down like that, you’re going to get hurt, too. It’s not going to be an easy climb up. God calls us to something higher in our relating to one another. It says this: “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.”
Offenses happen. God wants us to reflect His restoration plan that He’s modeling for us. He forgave us, and He’s calling us to forgive one another. Again, this restoration and clearing up is done in the context of love and truth. So when we’re clearing up, we’re not compromising. We do not compromise, but we are considerate. Sometimes the offense is… We wish we could just forget it. We wise we had the memory neutralizer, like these guys in Men in Black. Just stare into the red light and forget all of the bad things that happened. But, forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. It also doesn’t mean we’re going to make excuses for sin. However, the goal is that we are pardoning one another, and our relationships can begin to be clear and mended.
Our hearts—we don’t want them to be further hardened by sin, by removing this idea of clearing up. We find even in the laws of the Old Testament a pursuit getting at the heart of these things. God, even from the very beginning, wanted us to have loving relationship with one another. So, we see in the book of Leviticus, which is really a bunch of laws. It's really sometimes hard to read through, and it seems kind of boring. It’s like, “What about this God of love? There’s all these laws.” But even in these laws, you see God’s love shine through. Here in Leviticus 19, verses 17 and 18, it says, “You shall not hate your fellow countryman in your heart; you may surely reprove your neighbor…” ...Meaning it’s fine to correct them... “...but shall not incur sin because of him.” You don’t want to go down this path of hatred and more vengeance when you’ve been offended.
You can reprove them, but you do not incur sin because of him. “You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the sons of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself; I am the LORD.” God’s instructing His people to do this. Offenses happen, and we need to deal with them, but not out of vengeance, not out of trying to do them damage. You uphold the truth, but you don’t get into hate. God, long ago, wanted us to love one another. Again when Jesus comes on the scene, He’s fulfilling that. He’s not doing away with it. He says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault…” Be frank with him; you’re reproving him. “...between you and him alone.” You’re considerate. “If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”
That’s the point. It’s not just to do this transactional thing but to gain your brother, to mend that relationship. It goes on to say that if he doesn’t listen, you can take somebody with you. And if he doesn't listen to two or three of you, you can take it before the church. If he doesn’t do that, the whole process here… But all along the way, there’s this consideration. There’s this goal to gain your brother. Even in that passage it wraps up with, “For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them.” He wants us to have these clear relationships where we can relate to one another, and He can be among us as we relate. When we reflect who He is, He is among us and with us.
This is really important. We want to have these clear relationships, but we don’t compromise on the truth or what’s right in the process. We confront in a loving and considerate way. Over the years, this approach of clearing up relationships has been a real blessing to those who have practiced clearing up relationships. Check out what some of our church members say about practicing this Heart Attitude. (Video begins)
Colin & Leslie Sanor: “Thinking about when I first encountered the Heart Attitudes at Hope, it was at a membership class. We spent part of the class going over what it meant to be a member of a church, but then also how we live as people in the church on a day-to-day basis. How do we relate to each other? One of the Heart Attitudes that really stuck out to me was the clearing up relationships. That actually became a very important part of my life in college. We had a meeting at church when I was in college, and the speaker that particular week was really emphasizing looking at your life as a Christian and saying, “Okay, in your past are there people that you basically need to make amends with or clear up relationships?” He had actually passed out a sheet that had the listing of different areas or arenas of your life, like job, school, your past (like high school and college friends), and it really hit me. I think God was speaking to me about my past and how I had damaged some relationships in the past. I thought of somebody that I had not paid financially—not paid back a debt. There were some relationships from high school where I just didn’t use my mouth in a way that would have encouraged people. The final one was that Jesus was actually speaking to me about some different areas as a young Christian that I needed to clear up and clear up with Him and also some things that I needed to take out of my life. I was kind of telling Him, “No, I don't want to deal with that.” So, it really had a big impact in college, and I really started to work on that. It took a number of years, really, and a lot of tough work because I had a big ego and really didn't want to have to sit and talk to somebody face to face and say, “Hey, I didn’t pay you back this money,” for example. It was something that I really had difficulty with, and so I was in the midst of doing that for a few years, and then I was in the membership class at Hope. I really had this moment where I thought, “Wow! This is something that the Lord has used in my life that has really helped me to have really peaceful relationships with family and friends over the years, and this is something that they find is very important that is part of this group of believers.” And, I really wanted that to continue in my life. It has been; it has made a very big impact in my life, personally. Then, Leslie and I got married. This was a habit that had been established for a few years after being a part of Hope, and it really just made married life, early on, a lot more enjoyable because we tried, as a couple, to take care of any relational issues that came up really quickly. That allowed our early married life to have a lot of joy in it, and it still does to this day. We try to model that for our daughter, as well.”
Stefan Beck: “Growing up with the Heart Attitudes as a kid, I didn’t know that’s what I was exposed to. That’s just what was normal. The expectation was if you mess up, you clean up. If you really struggled with a hard day, you still make the right choice. You still choose to serve and be kind, even if you don’t feel like it. That kind of stuff was already a value for me, but I didn’t understand the philosophy behind why we do these things and why these things are important. Later, probably when I had my first job, I knew what those things were, and I could identify those things. But, going into a place where some people agreed with some of the values and other people agreed with none of the values, that was a real challenge to see people that a valid strategy for them was cheating or lying. Throwing other people under the bus to get ahead was not only normal, it was almost expected, so there was this mistrust at a lot of places that was really hard for me to understand, because I didn't’ come from that mindset. But, I think that applying those things in spite of that has been really fun to see people question their own strategies when they see that yours are a lot more effective. If I mess something up, I’m really sorry about that. “I didn’t mean it that way, or I was really trying to communicate this, but I think it came across this way. I really apologize for the miscommunication, but I’ll do better on that going forward.” People just…”Oh, oh, okay. That’s good.” People just had not been exposed to that, so it opened up some really cool conversations with people that I was able to have early on. Getting to pray for people that that was never really a part of their life, just because they would go through a really hard time and talk to me. They’d say, “Hey, you’ve got some stuff put together. What do I do about this?” That was kind of like, I didn’t really think I had everything together, but I think having lived those Heart Attitudes out, that people were able to see there’s some peace and some confidence that comes with really life rightly that they didn’t have but could identify there was something there that they wanted.”
Caitlin Beck: “I would say that clearing up relationships was probably my first big “Aha! This is something different.” Obviously, Stefan did that one very well at the beginning of our relationship, but there was an incident at church or something. Someone came, and I didn’t know them very well. They cleared it up with me, and I remember feeling a little awkward, but then realizing there was some sort of tension there. And, they chose to have courage and clear that up. Then, I remember having a deeper sense of respect for that person, especially because I didn’t really know them. So, it could have been something that could easily have just been pushed under the rug. That is how I have lived my whole life, so that was a big change for me seeing that lived out with other people. Then realizing, this is different. This is important to clear up relationships and the feelings you have toward someone after something’s happened. It’s uncomfortable, and you’re walking on eggshells. That can be avoided if you just clear it up and move on. That was really helpful early on in my experience at Hope. Then with our kids, we have cleared up with them early on, so it seems very natural for them when they clear up. But, we’ve had to teach them that this is not always a normal thing, and sometimes people feel uncomfortable when you choose to clear up. So, I feel like that has been their hardest part. You may ask for forgiveness, and that child will just say, “no.” It’s okay. We can still love them, so that has been their biggest learning experience for the clearing up, I think.” (Video ends)
Ben McSpadden: So the next time relationships you have go sideways; there’s an offense. Maybe you’ve offended, or they’ve offended you. Here’s something that you can remember. Oftentimes, it’s more brought to our attention when we feel burned, right? I want you to know how you can act. If you feel frustrated with someone, you can ACT. The “A” stands for analyze what’s going on. Don’t stuff what you are dealing with, but deal with your stuff. When I say analyze, analyze because sometimes we have these negative feelings. But, negative feelings aren’t enough of a diagnosis. Sometimes you feel the “yuck,” but you don’t know really what’s going on. So, was there really an actual offense? Did they actually sin against you, or did you sin against them?
Maybe you’re second guessing what you said, and you’re afraid they’ve taken it the wrong way, even though possibly you’ve not said anything wrong. You’re just trying to own a potential wrong feeling on their part. That’s outside your sphere. You really want to analyze what’s going on. You want to look at what Scripture says, because it can give us clarity. And, pray. The Holy Spirit will deal in specifics with what's wrong and how you can move forward. The enemy wants to keep you in a fog of confusion to prevent clarity in the relationships and prevent clarity in a solution. He continues to heap up false guilt and negative feelings with no path to restoration. So, you want to analyze, but in the process, you don’t want to let the feelings send you down into more sin.
The Bible says this: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” There’s negative feelings, and sometimes your negative feelings are there because there’s a sense of justice that is broken. You’ve got to figure out how to deal with that, but in the process don’t give the devil an opportunity. It goes a little bit later in that passage and says, “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” One thing to note in analysis is who you need to address to clear things up. If you've hated someone or lusted after someone but not acted on it, you need to take it to God. That sin is something internally that you’ve been wrestling with, and you need to confess your sin to God.
You don’t need to go up to a person and say, “You know, I’ve hated you for years.” That’s going to cause more problems. “I’ve hated you for years. Please forgive me.” They have no clue, but if you’ve acted out and been harsh in that feeling of hatred and acted on it, then yes, you need to ask that person’s forgiveness. What we say is that the circle of commission, meaning who all was impacted by your sin. Sometimes there are things that you internally struggle with that aren’t impacting anybody but yourself, and you need to wrestle with those. If they are out of line with God’s will, you need to ask for His forgiveness. If you begin to act on those and they do begin to offend and you sin against people, you need to bring them into that process and ask for their forgiveness, as well. So, the circle of commission is the circle of confession. Who all was impacted by your sin is who all you need to ask forgiveness from.
Again, there are offenses. They happen. We recognize what’s going on. We don’t give the enemy an opportunity to use the offenses to start the relationship into this downward spiral of these continued offenses into continual sin before God and before each other. As you work through it, you must remember to respond appropriately. You analyze what’s going on. Don’t stuff what you’re dealing with, but deal with your stuff. Then, the “C” in ACT is to choose. You want to lean into this. You want to choose to forgive. You don’t know what the outcome is going to be, but you’re going to go ahead and preemptively choose to forgive.
We looked at this verse earlier, but it’s worth repeating. It says, “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” We’ve been forgiven way more than people have offended us for. We have offended the God of the universe, and He went to the cross for us. He’s forgiven us while we were His enemies. How much more should we not forgive those who sin against us?
So, finally, we analyze what’s going on. We choose to forgive, and then, finally, we need to trust God with the situation. This is important because you can’t control what other people are going to do. You can’t control if they’re going to ask for forgiveness or admit the wrong. You also, if you’ve been the one offending, can’t control whether or not they’re going to forgive you. But, you need to trust God in the situation. You do your part whether you are the offender or the one offended. You ask for forgiveness, or you offer it. But either way, you have to trust God with the situation. As you try to live out what God has said, you know that not everyone is going to go at the same pace or even in the same direction. You must trust God.
We see where in one young man’s life, early in the history of God’s people, he was betrayed by his own family. He had an appropriate response to their offense. It was Joseph, who I’m talking about, in the book of Genesis. He’s been betrayed by his brothers. He was sold into slavery. I have had brothers offend me, but not to the level that he had been offended. This was his blood relatives selling him into slavery. Finally, they had to come for help to him later in the story, we see. He gets put into a position of power, and they need his help. They were scared that he was going to take revenge later in life. Their father just passed away. That would have been the buffer of relating, so they were scared. So, they came up with this story to tell Joseph after their father passed, saying what the father instructed.
Here’s what it said. They said here’s what our father said. “Say to Joseph, ‘Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you. And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.’ Joseph wept when they spoke to him. His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, ‘Behold, we are your servants.’ But Joseph said to them, ‘Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me…’” They had offended him; he knew that. “‘...but God meant it for good…’” He’s trusting God, even in that situation. “‘...to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today. So do not fear; I will provide for you and your little ones.’ Thus he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.”
Tremendous offense, but he said, “Don’t worry about that. I’m trusting God. In the midst of what you meant and you did do me wrong, yet God worked it out for good.” Joseph trusted God even in the midst of wrong happening to him. He trusted God. Now, I’m not sure where your relationships are at right now, but offenses have occurred. If you have a pulse and you’re breathing, you have been offended at one point in your life. People have sinned against you, and you may have offended others. You have sinned against others. We all fall short, and that’s going to continue into the future. There’s going to be other opportunities where you will have to forgive or ask forgiveness.
This idea of clearing up relationships, though, gives us a way to work through those offenses. It’s a tool and an opportunity to navigate through the difficulty. We don’t have to stay stuck, but we can move forward. Often with offense, trust is broken, and clearing things up is not going to immediately restore trust to the same level. But if we continue to practice this, over time we can repair the things that have been broken. We don’t have to pull an Indiana Jones. We don’t have to cut that bridge down. That will only make it worse. Our church is 42 years old, and we’ve had our share of offending one another, but there are those of us who have been here for many years because we’ve continued to choose to clear up relationships like the Scriptures teach us.
Forgiveness allows us to carry our friendships into the future. On your listening guide, we have a few suggested ways you can put this approach into practice this week. If it’s your first time to even think about doing this and it’s scary, I’m just going to ask you this week to pray and ask God if there’s anything that you’re doing. Is there anything that I’m doing or saying that undermines trust with those I relate with? Another step you could take, maybe you’ve done that before… But, maybe He’s revealed something, and you need to go and the next step for you might be to ask for forgiveness from someone that I know I’ve sinned against.
If you’ve been walking with God for a while and you’ve been practicing the Heart Attitudes and you’ve been practicing trying to have clear relationships, maybe a more advanced step for you, a more intentional way to take initiative, is to ask people that you know who know you well for honest feedback on your relationship patterns with people. See where you might need to work on improving building trust with those around you. There’s a couple of things. There’s some other reflection questions there in your listening guide.
This Heart Attitude also wraps up the first four attitudes, which are how individuals relate with one another, sort of one-on-one. The next three in the series are going to look at how individuals relate to larger groups or organizations. We hope this is a help to you. I want to encourage you to stick with us in the series as we go through the remainder of our Heart Attitudes.
Let’s pray. Lord, I am so grateful that You have given us a way forward in the midst of a broken world. In the midst of a broken world that we are a part of the problem, but You’ve given us a solution. And, You let us be a part of the solution by being able to ask for and give forgiveness. Father, as we move forward in this time together and the journeys that You put us on and the different points of the path that we’re on, help us, Father, to look to You and remember what we have been forgiven by You so greatly. Not to get us back into shame and feeling sorry, but just to remind us and have hearts of gratitude and thankfulness that we would offer grace and mercy to those around us when they offend us. Help us, Father, to forgive. In all of this, Father, we want to gain a brother and gain a sister. Help us to gain our relationships and love each other so that we could walk forward in the future as we trust You and as we work with one another and as we invite others to discover and experience who You are and what Your ways are like. We want to carry that into the future, so Father, help us this week. If there’s a relationship, if there's tension, if there’s something that we need to clear up, Father, show it to us specifically, and help us to take steps forward that we could honor You in that and that we could help those around us. We pray all these things in Jesus Christ’s name. Amen.
